What’s my dope ?


I know I’m an addict. The question is, what’s my dope? That’s what troubles me. I can’t find that substance that will take me to this place. This place all the junkies talk about. And believe me, I have tried it all, marihuana, extasis, meth, cocaine, shrooms, sex, relationships, attention, information, food, isolation, people… but nothing seems to fill the emptiness.

So far I’ve been able to manage my way out of a specific addiction. Haven’t had the need to enter any sort of rehab center, or at least a man made institution. I know I’m an addict, my craving tells me so. I guess there was a time where my addiction was satisfied, I don’t know when or how. The only remains from that time is this craving. A craving for peace, for freedom. I just can’t find the substance that will take me there. In fact, all my attempts to satisfy my craving, to fill this emptiness,  only makes me feel emptier, lonely, as if i’m missing something. Or someone. I’ve been living with this craving my whole life, I sometimes feel as if it is some sort of punishment. To have a need and not know what will fulfill it.
It’s time to change my ways. If there’s something I’ve learned with all this trial and error is that such substance won’t be found outside. So I’m heading inside.
Oh man! This is strange. It’s like I’ve been here all this time but wasn’t aware of it. I see this shadows, hiding from my sight. I’m not sure I want to see them. There must be a reason why they are hiding, maybe it’s the same reason I’m afraid to see them.
Why? Why do I fear something that’s inside of me? Why did I turn them into shadows? Are they the ones hiding from me, or is it me that is hiding from them? Is there any difference between them and me?
I try to see them, and it hurts. They are like medusas that petrify me whenever I look directly at them. This is painful, I wish I could go back to my ignorance.
I can’t go back! There’s a reason why I’m here, I must be ready for this.
That’s it! The pain comes when I look directly at them and all I need is a mirror to reflect it’s own image. It’s hard not to look when I’m there, I should stop being there, but I can’t go anywhere.
Science says that matter/energy can neither be created or destroyed, it can only be transformed. So I transform into a mirror. I stop holding on to the image and just letting it go through and show itself as it really is. Without anyone there judging or analyzing it.
After I have shown myself the reflection of my shadow, I see it as it is, a part of me. I’ve been rejecting it for so long that it became a burden in me. I would punish myself for it and hide at the same time. It was all a matter of forgiveness.

YES! THIS is the feeling I’ve been looking for, light as a feather. I taste this sweet wine  had been looking for so long. I hear this beautiful music flow all around me. I taste the emptiness and hear the silence. It was in me the whole time. I was even trying to get rid of it!
I take a look outside and everything seems the same but has some new kind of glow. I stand up, look at my dirty clothes lying on the floor. Pick ‘em up and head to the laundry room.  Put the laundry on the washing machine, add the detergent and press the start button. The sound moves my inside and makes me want to be a part of it. I go to my room and get my electric guitar and my amp. I go back to the laundry room. Plug the amp. Plug the guitar. Sit down next to the machine with the guitar, close my eyes…

A White Blackbird

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